x_stormatsea_x

 

It has been almost seven months since I posted here.   A hell of a lot has happened in that span of time too.  I have seen people born, people die, the world keep turning, I have fulfilled a childhood dream.  I guess it may not seem like much, but it is more than I thought would be happening to me in such a short amount of time.  

A part of me always knew, no matter how deep I tried to bury the knowledge, that she wouldn't be with us much longer.  It has been a little over six months since Mom has been gone, but it still is unreal sometimes.  Sometimes little things that wouldn't seem unnatural before are foreign now.  Slowly, painfully slowly, it gets easier, but it will always be there.  An emptiness.  A hole.  Just knowing what she will miss is strange.  

I saw two babies born in clinical.  It really was amazing, especially since I was able to help.   It was bittersweet, I watched one person leave this world and helped another into it.  Holding the little babies, barely minutes old, really is something.   Seeing the parents faces when you hand the baby over after cleaning him or her up is quite an experience too. 

We went to Harry Potter World in January.  It truly was my childhood, and honestly young adulthood, dreams come true.  It was just like opening the book and falling right into the Wizarding World.  It kind of felt like home.  There really aren't enough words to describe the feeling of being inside one of the biggest parts of my life.

I just finished the most recent episode of Pretty Little Liars... I am ridiculously addicted to that show.  

This is probably one of my shortest entries, ever. I just wanted to toss a few thoughts/updates out there.  Better than having them crowding around my mind. 

 I haven't had a real post since March, and that makes me feel lazy since other people have, so here's an update!  I guess I kind of dropped off the face of the Earth there for a while.  It was the strangest thing... One day I was walking along, minding my own business, and the next thing I know gravity rejected me... I floated away and only just managed to return!  Haha, I wish I could actually use that as an excuse for something,  if only to see how the person I used it on would react.  For reals, school until the beginning of May, and then I work two jobs in the summer.  I have been busy as a bee, or a beaver... I don't remember which one.

There is a whole lot of shit hitting a whole lot of industrial size fans right now...  That's really nasty.  

I was just hypnotized by the swirly designs of the new Orbit Gum packaging.  I actually sat there staring at it for nearly a minute.  Time to move on!  How about that Harry Potter Theme Park?  My new dream in life is to go there, no matter what.  I. LOVE. HARRY. POTTER. TO. A. CRAZY. DEGREE.  They have everything at the park!  I don't care if roller coasters make me sick, I would ride anything Harry Potter themed!  Okay so, maybe not.  If it is too crazy and I ride it= motion sickness= Miserable= No more Harry Potter park.  Movie 7 parts 1 and 2 will be released soon too!  I can't believe it is almost over though... This is thirteen years of my life we are talking about!  It all began in 1997!  Over the next year it will be winding down to a close.  Next July, the Harry Potter legacy is over... No more books.  No more movies.   I don't know what to do...  :(

"I'm just one of those ghosts, traveling endlessly.  Don't need no road, in fact they follow me and we just go in circles."  -Paramore, Misguided Ghosts.  I love that song.  I love Paramore.  I love that I am going to see Paramore (and Tegan and Sara)  in August.

Speaking of stuff I love... Buffy  the Vampire Slayer is the greatest TV show on Earth.  Closely followed by Firefly.  All Joss Whedon... I recently re-watched BTVS from start to finish... AGAIN!  Now I have a friend watching it too, so finally I can rant about the glory of Buffy with someone (woot-woot, R-Dawg!)  Also, Buffy recently captured the honor of placing 3rd in Entertainment Weekly's "100 Best Characters" article.  Harry Potter was second!  Homer Simpson was first... Seriously, what the frak?  Homer is a pretty cool guy, but no way he should have beat Harry or Buffy.  No. Frakking. Way.
Haha, I am the biggest fangirl ever... I had better stop before I go too far.   

Oh, check this out:  "A Song of Storm and Fire" by: Kajiura Yuki.  Awesome song.  Just youtube it or something, you won't regret it.  If you do regret it, we may not be able to be friends anymore... I don't know!  If you do like it though, she has another cool song called Slipstream, among many other kick-ass songs...

Yeah, that's about it for now...  TTFN. 

 It's a 1996 green Mercury Mystique named Antigone.  As in Sophocles' Antigone.  I don't actually have my own car... I drive the car my grandparents gave my mom since they don't use it anymore.  She doesn't like it so I kinda adopted it.   :D  When I finally buy my own car she will either be Serenity or River.

Sooo, I haven't posted a thing since sometime in November.  It would be fair to say that I have been completely consumed by school.  I work, I attend classes, I do clinical duty in a hospital, and that pretty much sums up my life.  Fun and free-time are hardly an option anymore.  Despite that, I have become so zombified that I don't even care anymore.  I was really happy yesterday.  I did well on my pharmacology test.  Woohoo... It's kinda sad that a good grade on a test is what it took to make me happy for a day.  I worked my ass off though, I EARNED that good grade, so I deserve it.  I just wish I didn't feel so empty.  This seems to be a recurring thing in the majority of my posts.  I am hardly ever happy.  I don't enjoy life, I just live it, take up space, and wait until it is my turn for oblivion.  There is nothing, no one, nowhere.  It is the here and now only, and I can't even do that right.  Part of me wants to be alone for the rest of my life, die alone.  At least that way I won't force my existence on anyone.  I don't want pity, I just need to vent a little.  I hate faking, but I do it anyway. Every damn day.

Let's face it.  I hate myself.  I think I might hate the world too.  It can go to hell in a handbasket for all I care.  That is if I believed in hell anyway... One thing is for sure, I will meet my oblivion with a smile on my face.

I am going to see Alice in Wonderland tonight.  And I WILL enjoy it.

"I'm trying not to think about
All of the things you did before,
But sometimes it all just gets to me.
I'll stay with you,
But remember to be careful what you do,
Because I'm not bulletproof."
    -Kerli- "Bulletproof"

Kerli is AH-mazing.  If you take one thing from this post, it should be that you WILL check out Kerli's music.  Right. Now.

One thing I need to clear up, because I have been lying about this for a while.

I AM ATHEIST.  Ha. Condemn me all you want.  F--- you, if you have a problem with that.  One of these days I will tell my family that little fun fact.  Either you will all feel the shockwave from that bomb dropping, or you may have to dig up my stone cold, dead body.  At first I thought I was agnostic, but then I decided to kinda grow a backbone and quit teetering on the fence.  It is nice on this side.  :)  Sure, sure... I know what you are wondering... "What will you do if you die and find out you are wrong?"  Well, I will tell the Big Cheese, straight to his ugly mug, "Screw you.  Point me towards the down elevator if you will.  I have always preferred a warmer climate anyway."  Clearly, this is all hypothetical and for your benefit, dear reader.  You asked, I answered.

I can feel spring in the air.  FINALLY!  It should start warming up gradually, and about time too.  The reptile folk and I have been having a real hard time.  Being cold-blooded, the freezing air makes us sluggish, you see.  Too bad humans don't hibernate...

Today when I woke up, there were fish in my shoes.  But then I realized that it was just a dream. 

Over and out.

What happened to the semester? No really, what happened?  We are only a few weeks away from christmas break.  And thank you for that... I need a break.  I am so stressed out, my sleeping problems have gotten worse, I feel on edge practically 24/7.  I failed my first test in my college career a few weeks ago.  It was ridiculously hard.  I have never seen so many people upset about a test, I was one of them.  I just wanted to punch someone, anyone, in the face.  Luckily, with the curve I pulled out of failing range, but it isn't good enough.  In high school I thought I didn't care about grades, but now I realize that it may have been because it was easy to pull A's and B's.  I didn't work that hard and still managed good grades.  Now I have to work, and now the perfectionist in me comes busting out like some freaky creature in the Alien movies.  I'm going to go crazy someday.  Bonkers.  Off my rocker. Cuckoo for cocoa puffs.  Loony.  The real deal.

I have found something amazing.  It's name is GLEE! Fantastic show, check it out!  My mom makes fun of me because I am seriously obsessed with anything to do with the show.  I have the fan t-shirt, the soundtrack, I WILL buy the season DVD, I even dream about it (one or twice).  :)  I was going to drive to New York to meet the cast, but mommy said, "No way, Jenna! You drive like a maniac, you are NOT taking my car to New York!"  I just have a tendency to speed a little.  Not that bad.

So, I have a friend.  A guy friend.  And he was soooo mean the other day.  He and his friend, that I recently became friends with, are constantly picking on me and stuff.  We were learning about obesity, anorexia, and other eating disorders in our nutrition class and the jerk kept making snide comments at me.  Seriously?? That is not cool.  I was getting really pissed off.  I know I am more on the thin end of the spectrum, but that was totally uncalled for.  Eating disorders are serious business, and it is NOT just girls that have them...

I have nothing else to say.

 Once again, it has been quite a while since I have posted an entry.  Today is a good day to write, though I am not entirely sure why.  

School has started again.  That is not something to be overly happy about, but now that I have been taking the nursing classes it seems so crazy...  The classes are hard.  Everything is overwhelming.  Not much more I can do about that...  I will have no life until I graduate.

I had an adventure last night.  Riding in cars with Colin.  What a trip that was.  We were only supposed to go to Joann Fabric to pick up some needles and a seam ripper for Mom.  Of course we ended up taking the most indirect, longest route possible.  It was a very nice tour of Hudson and the outskirts of Stow.  When we finally made it to the store, we realized we were probably the worst people for the errand.  "Colin... What is a seam ripper and where are needles?" "Eh. No idea."  The Halloween stuff was out so we HAD to have a plastic sword duel Mortal Kombat style.  I won.  Of course.  What else did you expect..?  ANYWAY, After several unnecessary minutes of aimless wandering we finally asked an employee or two and finished our mission.  Returning to the car, I drove away without Colin and forced him to chase me around a few parking lots.  It was great fun.

On the way home, it seemed like a good idea to have a spontaneous stop at a park.  We didn't stay long because it smelled strongly of goose poop and marijuana.  Delicious.  We also discovered a neighborhood that resembled a trailer park.  The houses were packed up and down the streets like sardines and there was junk everywhere.  There were several interesting characters in this part of the adventure such as the bearded nine year old, two shifty guys watching TV through someone's window, a guy with a dog, and a girl spying on us through a window.  That is just a sampling of the people.  As expected, we drove by twice.  As we began heading toward home, we realized... WE WERE BEING FOLLOWED! Dun Dun Duuunnn!  It was a white SUV, following us all the way to the neighborhood.  We freaked out, like little children.  They were getting closer and CLOSER, and then suddenly they were inches from our bumper... Colin leaned out the window and gave them THE finger.  I thought it would be a good idea to NOT lead them home, so I drove around and around through the neighborhood.  Colin said to throw them off by putting on the right blinker, but going left instead. BUT  THEY WERE STILL FOLLOWING!  Now we were scared, so we decided to leave the 'hood and finally managed to lose them.  

When we arrived, as expected, the first thing out of dad's mouth was, "What took so long?!"  We told him we had a hard time finding the supplies for mom, TRUE! And also that we played in the Halloween section, also TRUE!  We never lied.  :)  Please never mention this to the 'rents.  The End.  The moral of the story:  It is a really good thing that Colin and I are not twins, as many people believe.  We are double trouble when together.

I hope you enjoyed that story!

Today, as you know, is the anniversary of 9/11.  It seems so long ago and at the same time, it really hasn't been that long...  But it has been long enough for those of us that were kids to have grown up.   The world really is screwed.

I always end up being depressing or morbid... I will complete this entry then with something weird.  Skipping the details, I had a dream that my friend was electrocuted and she turned into a pile of cheddar cheese.  It was a weird dream...

 

Ooookay, it seems that everyone is updating these days.  Which of course makes me feel incredibly lazy due to the fact that I haven't bothered to write anything in about eight weeks.  Thanks for the motivation y'all.  It isn't that I haven't felt like writing, because I have... I just was too lazy to sit down and type.  I guess that is my problem in the first place, keeping everything in my head after all.

Well, there has been a lot going on, and also nothing at all.  Make of that what you will.  I have been working a lot lately, which is of course wonderful because I am making money.  At the same time I wish I wasn't working so much, I put in six days every week and at least 46 hours... Sometimes it is a little too much and I feel like it's starting to get to me.  I would take time off, but I have no idea what to do with free time.

I built a box fort for the kids I babysit and a few other neighborhood kids.  It is actually really cool.  I spent a lot of time on it so I guess it's okay to brag a bit.  Haha, even the parents were impressed enough to let us keep it.

I have been reading a lot lately.  Which is absolutely wonderful!  The book I am reading now and the one before are both by Jodi Picoult.  Recently finished The Pact and I am now on Keeping Faith.  When I was reading last night I came across a part that had me laughing for several minutes after.  It wasn't even that funny, it was just how I pictured it happening.  For those of you that want to read it, I won't give away details.  One of the main characters is a little girl named Faith (like my little sister!).  In this part she is with her mother, Mariah, and they are talking to a priest.  Before I go into detail, I just want to say that my mind automatically pictured MY sister, Faith, and my mom in the situation.  Having been told of the priest's (Father Rampini) arrival Faith runs into the room like a typical kid, the conversation is as follows:  "'Hi,' she says. 'Are you Father Rampenis?'  Mariah White's face goes Scarlet. 'FAITH!'  'Rampini,' he corrects, 'Father Rampini.'"   Haha!  See, not entirely funny, but when I pictured it happening to my mom and sister it was HILARIOUS!  My sister never stops talking and has said stupid stuff like that to people before.  I could totally  see her saying something like that, then my mom screeching, FAITH!, and smacking her hand over Faith's mouth to stifle any more nonsense escaping.  In any case it's a pretty good book, so CHECK IT OUT!  Though it is focused a lot on religion and I have a little trouble getting around that, but Jodi Picoult is outstanding.

You also must check out the song Just Impolite by Plushgun.  I am addicted to that song.  It is absolutely brilliant.

The other day, or night really, I was in a foul mood.  There was just so much anger and tense emotion trapped in my head, I thought I was going to explode.  So I left.  I grabbed my iPod and just walked out of the house and went for a walk.  It was so dark and quiet.  I love the night.  I wandered around my neighborhood listening to music until I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my head.  I can't even begin to describe how beneficial a long walk at night can be, especially when you add music to the mix.  I don't know where I would be without music...  Probably crazy.

Oh, funny story!  A few days ago, I think I worked out a little too much because after, my whole body was super exhausted and my limbs felt like jelly.  I walked downstairs to the kitchen for a glass of water and accidentally ran into the doorway as I attempted to turn from the living room to the kitchen.  Mom looks up and says, "What, are you drunk or something?"  "Noooo! teehee."

Well, I guess that's enough of my life for now.  I'm sure I will have more to talk about when school starts, which is way. too. soon.

 Good Evening Class!  Tonight we will be discussing a very important matter.  This is a matter that has come to my attention a lot recently.  Tonight, I wish to discuss morality.  Maybe the lack of morality? I honestly don't know what it is I want to discuss... 

Morality.  Good and Evil.  Do either of them actually exist?  It is difficult to answer that question objectively.  Although, if you do try and see the matter from an objective stand-point, the answer seems a bit more clear.  There simply can't be Good and Evil.  There are only humans inhabiting Earth, trying to live their lives.  Who can blame them for that?  Sure, one side of a war says "Those Evil people", but the other side is saying the exact same thing right back. 

So, Good and Evil..?  Why can't I help feeling for the villain?  What made them seem so Evil? Were they born that way, or shaped that way by society?  I think that may be why I love Wicked so much.  It is proof that the Wicked Witch isn't some nasty woman that is merely jealous of a little singing brat's shoes.  She is deeper than that.  I need to know why people are the way they are.  There is a reason for everything, right?  The reason may be pointless, obscure, or a completely random variable.  But it is still a reason. I like imperfect heroes.  It makes them real.  Human.  They make it so we can be like them.  Who wants to root for the guy that is perfect?  BIG. FRIGGIN'. COP-OUT.

Doodley doooo. Brave, handsome Knight prancing along on a horse the color of unpolluted, new fallen snow.  He smiles a smile as dazzling as the stars in the sky as he rides out to defeat the dragon that is terrorizing the village.  He, of course, in all his glory, emerges victorious after leaving the dragon's smoking carcass strewn across its mountain.  He rides home again amid praise and worship, all of the fair maidens throw themselves at his feet and beg "Oh, Sir! Handsome Knight, please take me as your mistress!"  He smiles his dazzling smile and replies, "Nay, nay. I cannot take thee as my mistress.  As you see, I wear only the colors of the fair princess."  The maidens swoon and cry, "Ah, how virtuous!"  How pathetic.  When one is perfect, how is that any strain to do good?  It isn't heroic, just... typical.  It is the flawed human that fights the darkness in himself, or herself, and the darkness in the world that is heroic in my eyes.  They have seen darkness, felt it, nearly been overcome, but still they fight on.  With that mythical Knight, there is no question or compromise.  Only the Good. He attains nothing.  Sometimes I don't know whether I could be considered optimistic or pessimistic... Maybe I am just a fan of imperfection.

I am just human.  That isn't an excuse to be "Good" or "Evil".  It is just each of us and everyone else, doing our best.

I probably sound really bad again.  That seems to be a habit... I guess I refuse to accept anything the way it is, or seems to be.  My world, my rules.  You can't stop me now.

"I aim to misbehave."  -Captain Malcolm Reynolds

Good Morning!

It is a Wednesday.  The middle of the week.  The top of the hill.  It is all downhill from here.  Which in this case is good because when you are at the top of a hill, you can just roll down the other side.  So, here I go.

In 2007, scientists discovered a few new planets about twenty light years away from our Earth.  Yesterday, they released two more discoveries.  First, there is another planet near the previously discovered.  Second, one of these planets could quite possibly support LIFE.  Honestly, that is some spectacular news!  I always knew there were inhabitants of other planets out there somewhere.  The proof is becoming even more evident.  Why in the entire universe, WOULDN'T there be more than just us?  I see visions of a Star Wars or Firefly type of reality.  (Firefly is the greatest show in the 'verse, as the Firefly characters call it. Aka Universe as we know it.)  How exciting!  Though, of course I can't help but wonder... Is this a massive secret plot.  Earth here has failed as an experiment.  Maybe none of this is real.  Maybe some alien empire created us as an experiment with life and now that we have failed, they are going to destroy us and start over.  I believe that I may like Sci-Fi way too much.  Well, either way, there is more to this existence than people know.  There is more to the night sky than millions of balls of gas.  Have you ever thought about that when you looked up at the sky?  Maybe you thought that quite possibly, someone was looking back at you, thinking about the same thing.  I certainly have thought about that.  Though, as I have stated before, my imagination does tend to run away with me... As much as I wish that this is not merely imagination.  There IS more.

  "And I know you may be scared, and I know we're unprepared, but I don't care." -Secondhand Serenade.  Concert tonight! I am so excited for both Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and Secondhand Serenade. Way. Too. Cool.

Anyway, last weekend was amazing!  It was warm and sunny, and I played outside like a little kid.  I played with the little kids I babysit and some of our neighbors.  It was a crazy game of Capture the Flag.  I actually felt happy.  As in happy from the inside out, not just on the surface.  It was fun!

"Seasons are changing, and waves are crashing, and stars are falling all for us. Days grow longer and nights grow shorter, I can show you I'll be the one."-RJA.  Had to have a song lyric for them too somewhere.

While I am on the subject of music, I have a song you must check out.  Well, two actually.  First is "Into Oblivion"- Funeral for a Friend. Second is "Bizarre Love Triangle"- New Order.  Both songs are great!

Finally, the best news: IT IS ALMOST SUMMER BREAK!  I only have about 1.5-2 weeks left until freedom!  Well, sort of freedom.  I will be working two jobs, one of which is on campus... Freedom from classes then, I guess.  The second job is baby-sitting, so that is always awesome!

Until next time, whenever that may be...

I feel like writing today. It is a good day to write. Any day is a good day to write, but today in particular because I am bored, depressed, and I seek comfort in words. I suppose this is a follow up to last week's entry in a way.

To begin with, I thought I would comment on today's Writer's Block prompt. "What's the story behind your username?" That is actually a really good prompt, as I always wonder the exact same thing when I see other people's usernames. What do they mean?  Is there any significance at all, a deeper meaning?  Or maybe it is just the first thing that came to mind.  Mine has meaning.  Storm at sea, with the decorative x's and _'s.  Storm at sea refers to my typical state of mind.  Out there in the world, I sometimes feel like a small sailboat lost at sea in the middle of a raging tempest.  Sometimes life throws you around like the crashing waves, and you simply can't get to the life raft.  Sometimes under the menacing black clouds, a streak of lightning splits the sky, illuminating the world for a brief moment, and you can see everything clearly for that second.  And sometimes you catch a glimpse of a lighthouse guiding you to safety and comfort (hence my user icon.).  Finally, sometimes I think I am pretty fucked up.

The sort of follow up to previous entry:
I don't know if I am doing the right thing with my life.  I am confused.  I don't know what I want.  Does anyone know what they want?  And when do they know, as a child, high school, college, after mid-life crisis, 80, when on their death bed?
I don't know if I want to be a nurse or not.  I don't know if I can handle this.  Part of me wants to give up and be an early childhood teacher.  One thing I DO know, is that I want to work with children.  I can handle children, I enjoy being around them.  They make me feel like the world isn't as screwed as I think it is.  They make everything seem so perfect, with their simple yet insightful logic.  Everything seems so innocent, light and fun.  Their defiance, faith, honesty, and imagination are relaxing and compared to how the world is, redeeming.   
If I am a nurse, I will have to work with sick children, children that are dying. I don't know if I could handle that, especially if there is nothing I can do.  Yet, at the same time that is why I want to do this, to save lives or make death easier.  

Even further, I don't know what I want out of life... A husband and family? Could I be good enough for them?  I don't know what I would do if they hated me.  It would be my fault...  I am way ahead of myself now. 

I am a dreadfully depressing person.  I really threw a lot out there.  It is sort of like vomiting, you feel a little better when it is out of your system.  (Sorry about that nasty reference)

An attempt to redeem myself: WICKED! I LOVE WICKED! I recently bought the book, because I read a borrowed copy several years ago.  There is a rumor, more fact than fiction, that it will be a movie! That would be AMAZING because I have never been able to see it onstage.  :(

I will have to go to Indiana for that.  In June.  Perfect.  :)

I believe that is enough for today, I've done enough damage... lol